Journal Entry - Sealing the deal…

So, after looking into deals… I went ahead and made one.  Honestly, I couldn’t think of any other way to try to stop Dean heading back downstairs when the year comes to an end.

So I went to Crowley.  I tried, real hard to make sure there were no loopholes.  But with him, it’s really hard to tell.  Anyway… This was it…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sam:

“No… You break Dean’s deal… You promise not to make another with him… And seeing as you’re king of the castle now you make sure none of the others will deal with him either.  No more contracts.  His soul belongs to him.  For good.  When you get your mits on Purgatory, you don’t send the creatures after us.  Let us do our jobs, as hunters, the balance stands.  We find them, we kill them, but no swarm of vengeful freaks with teeth flooding our way.  And finally… Eve’s gift.  It’s gone.  Lycan, vampire… cleared out. Just human again.”

Crowley:

“You’ve got yourself a deal, BUT until the keys to the kingdom are in my hands, I hold Dean’s soul as collateral. Which gives you one year to follow through. Oh no, wait, a little over three hundred and forty eight days.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(And yes I kissed him but we’ll not say anything more about that little encounter, okay?  Buttercup, my ass.)

That was three weeks ago.  Three weeks that have gone by all two quickly when you only have fifty two and counting… And to be honest, since then I’ve done nothing but research.  Reading just about everything and anything that might give me a clue about Eve… About weaknesses, about the realm… Anything…

(Well, apart from the day I was annoned with wings. Stupid freaking things make it hard to move, let alone walk.  But one day off the job is one day too many… And they aren’t my days I’m dealing with anymore… They’re Deans.)

Anyway.  What I’ve dug up so far…

Mom told me that Samuel Colt’s journal was back at the Campbell compound.  Lucifer came with me, he’s been helping , I figured he’d get bored, but honestly, I’ve been surprised.  So, we managed to find out a few things…

Phoenix, for all intents, appear human, regular Joes.  Couldn’t pick em out of a crowd if you tried.  Sensitive to iron, a bit like fae… Silver won’t bother them at all.  Only way to take one out is with Col’s gun.

Which we don’t have… But the journal has been useful anyway, bullets.  Colt detailed how to make then, literally step by step.  So mom is gonna help make a few… Though we’ll need to test them out before trying them for real… Because, if we get it wrong… Well… Barbecue.

Phoenix themselves are pretty rare, only about one or two spotted every fifty to a hundred years.  Though it’s possible there’s one around.  I’ve tracked back through about seven hundred cases, unexplained fires, it’s taken a while… The amount of reports with no obvious source of combustion is mind blowing.  Anyway, the list is now down to six, Lucifer helped identify anything that could potentially have been demon related, the rest weren’t the right circumstances or environment.  

And here comes the kicker.  In one of the news reports, there was a photo, Jake Talley, one of Azazel’s ‘special children’ - the only other one I know of who’s walking and talking right now - he appeared in the background.  After speaking to him, I know he saw something.  The guy was terrified, and clearly lying.  What could get that guy spooked so much, I don’t know, but can make a damn good guess at.  He saw something…  

So for now, make some bullets, find the colt, keep track of the fires and Jake… 

321 and counting.

What can’t be unsaid…

I don’t know what to think now.  There have always been jokes, taunts, jibes.  But I honestly didn’t know that there was more to it… So much more. 

Wait, I should explain. I mean, Dean…

I guess I pay attention to things, too much sometimes.  Because I can’t shake this.  Not this time…  I remember.  Words… Things people say.  It’s important for the job.  And it’s a habit I’ve picked up.

I remember Dean’s words most of all.  His voice is pretty much the soundtrack to my life.  But I guess the tune has changed.  I know now.  We’re broken.

On Alastairs rack…

“He sent me for hell you think I don’t resent him for it. Every night I go to bed that’s the last thing I think of, I have nightmares all goddamn night, and you know what the first thing I think of is when I wake up. He killed me. He ripped open my chest and sent me back to Hell.” 

“I look at him and think fuck would I love to beat that stupid smile off his face, wouldn’t I love to make him hate himself as much as I hate myself.

After feeding me blood… After I begged him to run… When he slid the knife in, twisting it… When he killed me.  …Lies.

“It’ll all be okay. Everything we’ll be okay… You’ll be okay… You’ll be alright. I promise. You’ll be alright…”  

“Shhh, you’re alright…” 

“It’ll all be better when you wake up… You’ll see… I promise.”

Then more recently.  I thought that he would have known.  Would have at least seen that I wasn’t thinking straight.  I would never, will never, give up on Castiel.  I tried to make him see that too.  The goddamn ring… I thought that the promise they’d made to each other would be strong enough to make Dean realise that there was always hope.  Then the anon.  And my words were skewed.  Those are the ones he believed.  I see it now though.  I see why those words are the ones he’d latch onto…  Because that’s who he truly thinks I am.

“You’re the waste of fucking space. I wish I never made that fucking deal!”

“It’s always been your fucking fault! Ever since the day you were born.. I was wrong, I’m not the cursed one, you are. You cursed me!”

It’s not the first time.  Monster, freak, evil... He’s pretty much said them all at some point.  I just always though he could see… Well… Me?

Not the demon blood, not the damn vessel bullshit.  Just me.  It’s not like I had a choice when it started - Azazel’s gift.  But the rest… I honestly did try.  I wanted to make things better… not worse.  I never wanted us to end up like this.  I wonder when things changed though?  When I left for Stanford?  Or when dad told him what I am… What he might have to… What he did do in the end.  

Now I’m bound to a deal to save his soul, and I wouldn’t change it.  He’s my brother, no matter what.  I would do anything for him.  But I guess things won’t go back to how they were.  

I remember laughing at him… With him… The stupid pranks.  The god awful music.  But I sang along to it anyway, because it made him smile… Made me smile too.  The crappy diners, the endless slices of pie, the shitty motel rooms.  It was easier… Just hunting, before we knew about all of this.  Before it all went so wrong.

I don’t know how to fix it.  Don’t know if it can be fixed.

I guess the best thing is to just keep my distance.

Less chance of things getting worse.

If that’s even possible.

Because sometimes it’s all you’ve got…

[After talking to Chuck]

Sam slid to his knees beside the bed, hands falling together and lacing, forehead pressing into the fold between. Hands that had taken lives and saved countless others. 

There had been times when he’d doubted.  When things weren’t as clear, when his faith fell or wavered… But it never left completely.  It was always there because there was always something worth praying for… Even if at times he wasn’t sure who he was praying to.

Yes, he asked for things… As a child; Please keep them safe, please make sure they come back, help dad, help Dean, help us, make the bad dreams go away…

As an adult it was less asking, more thanking, apologies, clearing his mind; I’m sorry, I don’t understand, am I doing the right thing, thank you… thank you… thank you… for letting us live, for bringing them back, for the fleeting moments of peace, for a glimpse of salvation, for hope, for Dean, Dad, Mom, Jace… for my family…

As he bowed his head, he wasn’t sure what to say.  There were no thanks, no apologies, only confusion and questions.

Why?

Why him?

Why now?

Is this a punishment? Did we do something wrong?  Did I?  Did Dean?

Is it justice?  

There was always a chance, to save them, everyone, we tried so hard, but you didn’t give us that chance… Not this time.

I don’t know what to do… Don’t know what you want from us.  From any of us.

It gets harder.  Losing them.  Never easier.  Have we failed you so much that this is all our lives are?  Blood and pain and loss.

I know there are tests.  Of character, of fortitude, of friendship, of faith.  I’ll take any test you want to throw at me, anything… And I still believe… Because there has to be more… Something worth fighting for.  It can’t just end like this… Not for Cas, not for Dean, not for them… 

So I’m asking, once more… Please… Please bring him back.

Please.

Sam’s hands fell apart, dropping onto the bed as his face pressed into the sheets.  If, by the time he moved, they were damp from tears, if his throat was raw from sobbing, if he swiped at red, tired eyes… if…  

It didn’t matter.  

Because the world turned.  

Life went on.

[Sara Bareilles - Gravity]

[Mom:]

You never know what you’ve got till it’s gone?  Maybe.  But I’m damn sure Dean knew what he had.  Mom, too… Her and Cas, they had their own relationship… The mother who never got to see her sons grow up and the angel who never had a mother.  I guess it was comforting for both of them.  Something neither of them had had before, but realised they both wanted or needed at some point…

Anyway…I’m not sure how Mom is gonna take this.  She was so made up about Dean and Cas being together, about the angel becoming a part of the family… Not that she didn’t see him that way already… but I think they really had something… Hell, Cas was probably more a son to her than I’ve been so far.  And from what dad said… from what I’ve seen so far, I think that’s what scares her the most… Losing her family… again.

I mean, I know she plays it cautious with me, like I’m some kind of rabbit about to run… I’m not… But it’s not easy, after a lifetime of not having a mom, to know how to behave.  But Cas?  I think he just slotted right into it… Stupid to think really… An angel, several millennia old, nodding like a sheepish kid under the stern glance of a woman who’s actually younger than the vessel he inhabits.  You live this life long enough though, I guess you end up seeing just about everything.

I’m not sure how she is… I don’t know if she’ll be able to help Dean… or if this is just going to hurt her too much…  I mean I know how Dean is… I’ve seen him lose people before… But mom… I guess… I’m not sure what to do….

[Dean:]

I’m really scared I’m gonna lose Dean over this.  When Dad died, he pretty much shut down, shoved it all under, carried on regardless…  But even when he tries to hide the pain… that doesn’t mean I don’t know it’s there… I can see it.  I’ve looked at his stupid face for so long, I know every tick, crease and flinch.  The way his jaw tightens, eyes squint just a fraction.  Like he’s trying to hold it all in and it’s ready to burst out at any moment.  It never does though.

Don’t get me wrong… He’s not a freaking machine… But he always thinks he has to be the strong one.  That ‘feelings’  or at least showing them, is a sign of weakness.  I dunno, maybe it’s dad’s military method passed on… He was kinda the same.  I mean, he cared, yeah… but there was never really any talk about ‘feelings’ or ‘mushy stuff’.  Or as Dean would put it, ‘Chick flick moments’.

I’m scared that this will be the final straw.  I don’t know how much pain one person can hold in, but I’m pretty damn sure it’s not as much as my brother’s already been through.  Watching people die.  His friends… family… Two stints in Hell with Alistair and Nex.  All the people we couldn’t save…  You know…  My brother’s a fucking hero.  Yeah, not that I’ll ever tell him that.  But he’s done so much… He’s never stopped giving, putting himself in the line of fire, making sure that everyone else came first and foremost above himself.  Saved the goddamn world!  And fuck… It’s not right… He doesn’t deserve this.  Aren’t hero’s supposed to get some kind of reward?

I thought Cas was his…

[Lucifer:]

This one is even trickier.  Compared to Lucifer, Deans stoicism is knocked for six and comparatively makes him look like a like a gushing little girl.  Lucifer is just like a stone wall and I have no idea what he’s feeling.  I can’t read him, can’t tell if he’s about to break down into tears or go apocalyptic on the world… Or if he really is just… okay… But I really doubt that.  How can it be okay to lose your brother?

I know how not okay that is.

I know there are hundreds of angels, I know that Lucifer spent a lot of time ‘downstairs’ instead of with his family… But it doesn’t mean they’re not still family… Or that he doesn’t care.  I know he does.  But again, I’m at a loss… What the fuck do you say to a grieving archangel?  I’m pretty freaking useless at this shit, that’s been made blatantly obvious.  I don’t know about the rest of the angels though… Gabriel, Balthazar… Any of them… If they even know… 

[Me:]

I really don’t believe that he’s gone… That there’s no way to bring him back.  So for now, I’ll try… try as much as I can to be strong for them, till we find a way or some miracle happens…

He was my friend.

I miss him.

Tchhh… Still short.

And a girl. A hot girl, yeahup… But everything’s smaller (everything but my boobs, yeah, still haven’t quite gotten over them yet) … Teeny tiny hands. What’s that all about?  Though when I cleaned my gun this morning it was a lot easier, little fingers are apparently good with the fiddly jobs.

Little feet too… And yes. I know people have issues with my hair… But this is like… A lot of hair.  And god, it’s nice to have a normal appetite again!  Like real food, rather than raw meat.  Though I’m eating more sweet stuff and oddly enough, drinking black coffee.  Swings and roundabouts I guess.  

Anywhooo… Imma skip the other girly shit.  I think if I try to put on makeup I’ll end up looking like a clown.  Not a fan of clowns by the way.  And heels.  How do they wear high heels?  It’s like walking on some kind of weird stilts, and not great for running.  Then the balls of your feet burn and you take them off and your tendons go twang.  Twang, yeah… it’s not a great feeling.  So I’ll bin them.  Honestly, there’s probably a whole circle of hell where people are forced to wear stilettos - it’s an odd self inflicted torture all on it’s own.

I have no idea how Dean’s coping with this stuff, though he seemed happy enough when I last saw him.  Probably because all of his little fantasies came true in one fell swoop, though maybe not in the way he would have preferred.

I wonder if he wished really, really hard…

Maybe it’s not so bad though, at least, being thrown into some odd mix of TV-land and reality, this is one of the ones where we have a slight advantage.  Even if we are chicks.  I guess it kind of makes sense… Hunters, slayers, kind of the same thing really.  I still want to see if the vamps have changed too though.  It would be so much easier if they just went ‘poof’ and fizzled up, rather than all the hacking to get the head off… Then burning the bodies.  Messier the way we do it.  And it takes a lot of hacking or a nice strong swing with a machete to remove a head.  Spinal columns get in the way and vertebrae are tough to get through sometimes.  Then there’s a fountain of arterial spray and… Okay.  You get the picture.  Buffy does it neater.

One thing that’s bugging me though is the… underwear.  The panties I can deal with (and I have to admit they feel kinda nice, way better than tatty cotton shorts).  But the bra? That’s awkward.  Took me ten minutes of wriggling about till I realised I’d managed to turn one of the straps round while putting it on this morning.  It’s not like I haven’t had experience of taking them off… other people, I mean.  I’ve just never had to put one on before.

So another two days?  I can deal with this for another two days and then I get to go back to being me.  Only not quite.  Eve’s little curse is still lurking in the background, and to be honest, I’d rather be a slayer than a lycan.  The advantages are clear.  Surprisingly, I’m just as strong as I was.  Fast, possibly faster and a lot more agile and… flexible.  This little body has been quite surprising so far.  And at least I’m human again for a little while.  It’s nice not to have to worry about shifting and accidentally eating one of my friends.

So I’ll deal with the bras and the boobs and having to look up at everyone.  

And try to remember that I have to sit down to pee.

The deal.

So, what do I know about deals? Too much and not enough it seems.  Too much in the fact that this is the second one Dean has made… Because of me.  I can’t just stand by and watch him do this to himself again.  I won’t.  Not now.  He has Cas and mom and… Well, I don’t think I can watch the hounds come for him a second time.

I have to do something.

There are examples of deals all over the place, most referring to a deal with ‘the devil’, but then I know that that’s not the case. It’s the demons who make the deals, and even among them there is a hierarchy.  The more valuable the soul or the bigger the deal, the higher level demon you get to the crossroads.

Dean happened to snag the top dog.

Crowley.

[ooc: link to art.]

What do I know about him? Not a lot. Snarky son of a bitch.  Climbed the corporate ladder from crossroads demon to ‘King of Hell’.  Likes Craig. Was married, son, Scottish by origin, has his bones in a little bag hidden somewhere. Pops up like the proverbial bad penny whenever the shit is hitting the fan.

But still, I can’t help but wonder who’s side he’s really on… Other than his own that is.  He came up with the colt when we needed it.  Got us out of the shitstorm a few times.  Still - likely for his own agenda, but never the less… It makes me wonder why.

Anyway. Deals…

Faustian bargains, made famous by Mephistopheles, tons of lore, but at the end of the day, the price, regardless of bargain, is always the same.  The wagerer’s soul.  They’re sealed in a variety of ways.  Written contracts, signed either in ink or blood, oral contracts sealed with a handshake, brand or… In Crowley’s case… A kiss.  Even Lilith offered me a deal… Her seal was… Well… Let’s just say it wasn’t a kiss.

[ooc: link here.]

So. Ways out of a deal.  Again, nothing specific.  Either hand over your soul and take a swift trip downstairs, or find a loophole.  Some legends report, ‘wily peasant outwits the Devil, characteristically on a technical point.’  So it has been done before.

However, I don’t know the specifics of the deal, the wording, what Dean agreed to, what Crowley promised.  Even killing Crowley would be pointless, as the ‘paperwork’ would just get passed onto the next corporate crossroads demon.

Deals I know about;

Robert Johnson - asked for musical talent, died 1938.

Bela Talbot - asked for money, died, resurrected recently during the recent spate of reappearances.

John Winchester - Dad exchanged his life for Deans, the deal was made with Azazel. Also resurrected.

Dean Winchester - Deans first deal was made with an unnamed female demon, to… bring me back the first time after Jake killed me back at Cold Oak.

So other than a loophole in a contract I know nothing about, then next best thing as far as I can tell is a trade.  Find something the demon wants more than Dean’s soul and either get it first, or offer to get it for him.  

I promised Dean, promised Cas, not to trade for my soul.  Not that I think Crowley would prefer mine over Dean’s anyway, I’m pretty sure his is worth a lot more than mine and hasn’t been quite as… tarnished.

So I guess the only way to find out what he wants… Is to ask him…

A crossroads box needs to contain… 

A photograph of the summoner (plenty of those from fake IDs), graveyard dirt, a black cat bone, yarrow from the crossroad.

Not hard to find… 

Anyway, time is ticking, so I guess there’s no time like the present…

So, what am I? Part 2.

So I might have lost it the other day.  After… Well, let’s just say sex brings out the beast and leave it at that…  

Moving swiftly on.  Lucifer had the presence of mind to dump me out in a forrest somewhere.  No people around.  Facing Lucifer as a Lycan, I think some sort of sense kicked in about fighting a losing battle.  Which isn’t really what I was hoping for.  There was a slight recognition, I think I knew who he was.  But it wasn’t enough to override the instinct.

Hunt, kill, feed.

That’s it.

So something must’ve recognised that going up against an archangel was a pretty stupid fight to get into.  Which only makes me more worried.  What about mom, dad, the others?  The humans.  The ones at the top of the menu, so to speak.  If I shift around them, will I have enough presence of mind to stop myself?

Right now… I don’t think so.

Even the silver pendant Cain gave me doesn’t help once I’m completely transformed… It’s there, and yeah, it still itches like a bitch.  But it’s nothing I can’t ignore.

Anyway, apparently I ate a deer.  A whole deer.  Even the thought should make me feel queasy or freaked out, but it doesn’t.  It just makes me hungry, antsy, twitchy.  Makes me want to shift again and get back out there to find something warm with a strong heartbeat, and sink my teeth into it.

And now we get to the crux of the matter.  This thing… Whatever Eve did, means I shift at will… Well, not at will, but whenever I get angry, scared or something gives me a fright… (Or horny).  The point being, it’s not just your ‘full moon’ deal.  

However…

…Lucifer pointed out that tonight is a full moon.

[ooc: link to art.]

I have to admit I have no idea what will happen.  Will I lose it again?  Will it be worse?  I can’t afford to find out by accident.  So I’m going on lockdown.  If nothing happens, great, but I’m not prepared to take that risk. There are no wards against Lycans, wolves, whatever… Nothing.  So it’s either that or arm everyone to the teeth with silver bullets and take my chances of someone dying.  Them or me.  

I think probably Bobby’s panic room is the safest bet.  I can lock myself in, take some of the ‘food’ mom bought and wait it out.  I don’t think even I’m strong enough to break out of that thing.  

A little more research dug up a couple of ‘repellants’ though. Aconitum, more commonly known as ‘wolfsbane’ (go figure), or Viscum Album (Santalaceae), European Mistletoe.  These can apparently be used to scare away the ‘big bad wolf’ - they act like some kind of allergen according to the texts, but it’s all a bit vague.  And I’m not prepared to risk peoples lives on vagueness.  It’s got to be a dead cert or it’s a no go… Possibly worth investigating further though…  

[ooc: link to art.]

The only other thing I can think of is to take something - drugs I mean to knock myself out.  Being asleep or unconscious seems to have worked up till this point… However, I don’t know if that will still work with a full moon.  It certainly didn’t with Madison.  She shifted in her sleep, so likely it could happen to me regardless of my state of consciousness.  Again, it’s really not worth the risk, plus I’ll never figure this thing out if I’m asleep all the time. Catch twenty two, really.

Mom let me take a look at some of the old Campbell journals.  

[ooc: link to art.]

I’m not sure what I’m hoping to find, but anything that could give me a lead on Eve is more than I have right now.  I don’t really know what’s going on with Dean, or how he’s coping with the mojo she worked on him… Other than he’s hungry… All the time.  Something I can kind of sympathise with, but then again, I can’t really imagine what he’s going through, or how he’s managing to keep it under control.  At least I have the silver to help.  I tried looking for wards that might work to help somehow.  But unlike me, he’s under the influence of Eve’s little gift constantly, whereas I really only need to be cautious when I feel the transformation about to hit…

Anyway, this is what I’ve managed to dig up so far…

• Some vampires are very light sensitive; reduced to ashes on being exposed to light. Dean has been out and about in the daylight, and lore seems to say that those who walk around in the sunlight are only slightly weakened.  
• Some vampires were known to be unable to cross running water.
• Some are under the compulsion to gather-up or count small objects spilled on the floor. 
• At least one vampire was so vain she had to stop and consider her reflection in every mirror she encountered.
• Some vampires cannot bear to see what they have become and are incapable of beholding their own reflection. (Probably the source of the falsehood that vampires do not have reflections.)
• One was deterred by barking guard dogs. (I can really sympathize with this one).

Apparently these ‘quirks’ are particular to the specific vampire in question though, and I really don’t know if Dean is affected by any of them.  Some potential wards to try..

Hawthorn, Mountain ash, Holy water, Wild roses, Rosary beads.

I just hope he can hold out and not be tempted with anything other than transfusion bags or the pigs blood…

[ooc: link to art.]

So for now, I guess I’ll pack a few things and take myself off to the panic room…

Wish me luck.

So, what am I…?

It’s weird, having a little breathing space… Time on my own. And right now, I’m in control. So I thought I’d take whatever time I could to find out more about this… Not about Eve, or purgatory, but about me… About what I am now.

There’s a ton of lore out there about Lycans, the reasons for them being, existing, origins and the like. But they’re wrong. These creatures were created, as children to Eve in her own little realm. Much like Lucifer created demons, Eve created monsters. There’s an odd irony to it that can’t really be ignored. Humans are evil because of free will and their own stupid choices. But any of these creatures, demons or monsters are simply acting according to their true nature. They were built by design to be a certain way, and they live, truer than any human, to their origin.

Anyway… Back to Lycans.

The term comes from Greek Lykànthropos (Λυκάνθρωπος): λύκος, lykos (“wolf”) + άνθρωπος, ànthrōpos (“human”)

Thank you wikipedia… But the rest of the article, not helpful. There’s a lot of stuff about spirits and totems and the like, but none of it hits the spot. What I am is something wholly unspiritual. It’s hard to remember what it’s like, coming round from a transformation is a little like waking up after a night binging on cheap cocktails. A banging head and only a vague recollection of the events thereafter.

The tricks Crowley showed me seem to help, because really, I just feel angry all the damn time. An inflection in someones voice, a look, even proximity can set it off. This damn thing is like a hair-trigger without a safety. There’s no need for a full moon, nor is there a long and drawn out ‘change’ aka, American Werewolf in London. It’s quick and sudden and once it starts, I can’t seem to pull it back. Still fucking hurts though.

I know I’m still me, but things take on an entirely different perspective. Hunt, kill, eat. Seems to be the default. Everything smells so much stronger… humans have about 5-6 million smell receptors, wolves about 280million. Sounds are amplified like crazy… Apparently wolves can hear up to a frequency of 26kHz, humans generally averaging out at 20kHz. My eyesight is clearer, sharper, but only in black and white, and seems better in dim light than bright light.

Even so, this is comparing a human to a ‘normal’ wolf… What the difference is for a Lycan I can only guess at. But even then, in human form, I can still smell and hear to a degree I never could before.

But still, I’m wondering if that’s the extent of it. So far (thankfully) I haven’t managed to kill anyone (not for lack of trying). What happens if (when) I do? I have no doubt that if I managed to kill, I wouldn’t hesitate to eat. Human hearts… well… any heart… but human ones seem to be the most tempting. Even thinking about it now, as a human, however ‘rational’ my mind might be, it still makes my stomach clench and saliva flow. Which is disgusting and more than a little disturbing. Raw meat seems to work though, steak, uncooked and bloody, something that should make me hurl is about the most delicious scent so far… apart from fear.

Oh, yeah. They weren’t lying when they say animals can smell your fear. We can. A rush of adrenalin, endorphins kicking in. Sweat production increases, even by the tiniest amount and we… I… Can smell it. Not to mention hearing heart rate increase, noticing pupil dilation, all these tiny signals are amplified. I can tell when you’re afraid. And that only serves to fuel the fire… Makes it harder to retain even the smallest piece of humanity, if there’s even any left at all by then. Yes, I can hear you. Yes, I can understand you. No, your words aren’t going to drown out that inbuilt, primal instinct. I will kill you.

Silver works though. Martha put me down with a bullet, knocked me sick and senseless, then shoved me back into human form pretty quick sharp. Maybe it was just the silver, maybe it was the shock, maybe a bit of both? I don’t know. Either way, I have the bullet in my pocket right now, just in case. Seems as though as much as silver is deadly to Lycans, it’s also really fucking uncomfortable to have anywhere on your skin. It itches like a bitch, feels warm too, though it doesn’t actually burn, not like demons and holy water.

Note to self: Lycans and Hellhounds don’t mix.

I spoke to Rhiley earlier today, and I totally lost it. It’s hard enough when you can hear one heartbeat in a body, but at the moment, she’s pregnant, and two of them just pushed me over the edge. She’s not dumb though. One jolt from her taser later and she had the presence of mind to get Elvis in the room. He’s small for a Hellhound and I’m big for a Lycan. Didn’t stop him taking me out though. I thought I was dead for a moment. He clamped down over my throat and I figured that was it… But he just bit down, holding on and waiting till I blacked out. A bit like a cheetah taking down bigger prey on the Discovery Channel. Suffocate them, then chow down. Thankfully Rhiley is safe. And Elvis now has orders to protect her… From me.

Something else came out of those encounters, with Martha and Rhiley. A shock to the system, silver, or becoming unconscious makes it impossible to maintain the ‘wolf’ form and I flip back to human again. Which means it’s likely going to be hard, painful and nerve-wracking to keep this under control till I manage to figure it all out.

Neither Dean nor I were ‘turned’ in the normal sense. He didn’t drink vampire blood (at least not that I’m aware of) and I wasn’t bitten. This thing, as far as we can tell was a nice little bonus from Eve when she booted us out of Purgatory. Maybe a lesson, maybe a punishment, maybe just some sort of sick twisted game. But whatever it is, neither of us have a target to track down and take out to lift the ‘curse’. Apart from Eve that is. And seriously, I’m at a complete loss on that one. Yeah, heaven, hell, angels and demons, even the creatures Eve makes have a ton of lore. But Purgatory and Eve herself? Not so much. The closest I’ve gotten is an old obscure text referring to her as ‘The Mother of All’. Assuming that means ‘all’ monsters, it sounds about right. Other than that though, I’m drawing blanks. Doesn’t mean I’ll stop looking though.

So for now, I guess I keep the bullet in my pocket and give a warning to everyone else. Stay away. Or get ready to fight. Because if I slip, I’m sorry, but the person you knew is gone. Grab some silver and take me down.

~S~

[ooc: sketch by the incredibly talented moishacollins (sending ALL the love <3)]